Strength
by Thunder-Nari
Summary: LindseyWesley. But death is scary. The only way you’ve got to deal with that kind of fear is if you’ve got someone to stand there next to you. Someone to become your strength and pull you through it. Life in the depths of Wolfram and Hart. Lindsey's POV.
1. Chapter 1

This is originally written as a b-day present for Polo... It only took me about five months to actually get around to it... I'm terrible. Never request anything from me if you want it done quickly.

This is from Lindsey's POV and takes place after Not Fade Away. There is a planned sequal that will be in Wes' POV. You know... when I get to it... Cough...

**Strength**

Chapter One

People are told to expect a lot of things when they die. White light, voice of long dead loved ones… Hell, maybe even the voice of God himself. Happy little fairy tales to make death a little less scary.

But death _is_ scary. Downright terrifying even. Especially when you know that when it comes to call on you, you'll be facing it alone. No one has the strength to deal with that, doesn't matter what you think you know. The only way you've got to deal with that kind of fear is if you've got someone to stand there next to you. Someone to become your strength and pull you through it.

The truth of it is…you see a white light then you'd better run the fuck the other way. Hear voices? Those are the screams of the tortured.

And it's not hell, though I'd imagine it might be pretty close. Except that I wasn't afraid of hell. I was afraid of this place.

A noise, closer than the screams I could hear, caught my attention and I spun to it. The last thing I expected to see. One of Angel's lackey's down here with me. Didn't know if that was better or worse than being alone.

Wesley Wyndham-Pryce. Standing there looking shell-shocked.

I watched him for a moment but he didn't acknowledge me. Too deep in shock. I felt like I was just waking up from it but maybe I'd been down here longer.

I let my gaze slip away from him and cast a studying look around. Dark earth walls surrounded us. Stalactites dropped from above us. An underground cavern. Senior Partners were really skimping on the decorating.

Gawking about wasn't getting us anywhere, though, and I turned back to Wesley to try and break through his stupor. "Wesley."

It was all I managed. Wesley's eyes fixed on me and I instantly regretted saying a thing. He lunged for me, his hands fisting into my shirt collar and slamming me back into the wall. My chest screamed with pain. I saw Wesley's face contort and his arms shook as they held me in place. I didn't bother to struggle. There wasn't much strength behind his grip anyway.

"You! What did you do?"

His shaking was growing worse, I could feel it through the grip he had on me. "I got about as much clue about what's going on here as you do," I gritted out. Wesley paused. He looked confused but his gaze drifted from me to look around the room.

"What is...?" he began in awe as he took in the immense earthen walls. He didn't finish his question, as he seemed to find the answer himself. "Vail."

"Yeah. Guessing you didn't fair too well with your guy then?" I didn't even know if Wesley was listening to me at all, his eyes looked so vacant.

I watched him in wary silence, as he did no more than stand there. As my eyes drifted over him, it was pretty hard not to notice the dark stain that spread from his side. Blood. The bullets still in my own chest stung when I moved. But Wesley stirred and stopped me thinking too deeply on that.

"Where are we?" His voice sounded distant.

I shrugged, taking another glance around. "Welcome to the afterlife."

Wesley eyed me a little insanely. "Not quite what I'd expected hell to be like."

I raised my eyebrows at him. "And you were expecting..."

A dismissive lift of his eyebrows made light of the entire situation. "Oh, fire, brimstone... Three headed demon..." He looked around, as though one might leap at him from the walls before fixing his gaze back on me.

He masked it well but I could still see it. Wesley was scared. It was in the way his eyes darted to the side; just a quick little flick to make sure nothing was there. The slight tick of a jaw muscle that showed the clenching of his teeth. The steady breaths that were too forced.

He was just this side of panicking or going into starry-eyed shock.

My attention shifted away from him to take in our surroundings once again. Nothing of note was there, just dark shadows, a huge space, and dirt walls. I shook my head. "I don't think we're in hell."

I knew it was gonna be one of those moments where you know that as soon as you say it, everything is gonna get one whole hell of a lot worse. A moment went by in silence where I knew we were both waiting for it. We didn't have to wait long.

The opposite end of the cavern burst into the fire and brimstone that seemed to follow exactly what Wesley had been expecting. I glanced sideways at Wesley to see him stepping back, eyes wide and looking like he would pass out. He was muttering under his breath.

"Judas. I am... And this is..." He was peering through the smoke of the flames, through the red dirt that was kicked up. "There! Do you see it? ...My hell." His voice was far away though, still speaking to himself and not directed anywhere. I looked, squinting my eyes to try and see through the smoke. It looked...a lot like Lilah walking towards us and looking irritated.

I smirked. "Think that could count as everybody's hell, actually."

Wesley gave me an inscrutable look. Lilah was waving her hand about her face as she approached us, stopping a few feet away. She gave us the smile that said we were very interesting insects.

"Sorry about the theatrics. Senior Partners. Like to make a bit of an impression." She glanced across to Wesley, insufferably smug look firmly in place. "Don't look so shocked; who else did you expect to see down here?"

There was an audible click of teeth from Wesley but I wasn't taking my eyes off Lilah. Scheming witch would probably produce a hacksaw and cut our heads off.

"This the part where you tell us the Senior Partner's are pissed and we're about to pay?"

She gave me a pitiful look. "Actually I'm not going to be doing anything. I was just making sure that that little guy knew where to find you."

A brief lift of her eyebrows told us where to look. Not that we wouldn't have been able to notice it on our own.

A great huge, three headed demon. Wesley choked off what I wasn't sure I wanted to acknowledge as a whimper. Lilah grinned at the both of us again and started to move away, backing into the smoke that hung thick enough to sting my eyes.

"Play nice, boys."

I didn't bother to watch her as she vanished. She was suddenly the least of our problems. Instinct brought Wesley and I closer together, shoulders touching as the beast ambled its way closer to us, all three heads pinning their gazes on us. The middle one I was sure was smiling.

Wesley looked like he was about ready to keel over just from the sight of the thing. Which was close now, enough that it could swing its heads around, one on either side boxing us in. I could see the two of us reflected in its glassy eyes as the middle head came down even with us, could feel its breath, hot and humid over my face.

We didn't move. Animals attack when you run. Its gaze became sharp and focused on me. I met it steadily, daring the thing to make some move. Everything in its expression suggested that it had just smirked at me with the thought.

It flicked its gaze to Wesley, tilting its head in a way that reminded me far too much of Illyria. I thought Wesley would cringe back away from it. Instead, he pulled himself up as the intense gaze focused on him. Shit, the boy had some balls. He met that thing's gaze head on, gave it the same 'I dare you' look that I had. Except, this time, that thing dared.

It screamed. A high-pitched shriek that would have broken glass. I flinched and stepped straight back into the demon's head, at my side. It growled low and shot me a killing look.

Wesley never even batted an eye. I had to give the guy credit. When he spoke, low and menacing, it was out of nowhere but in obvious answer to something the creature had said.

"I won't betray Angel."

Everything always came down to him. Everyone's world always revolved around him. I raised my hand slightly in mock eagerness. "I'll betray him." Bastard had betrayed me after all.

I regretted speaking when two sets of glares were aimed my way and the head behind me nudged my shoulder roughly. I caught a glimpse of needle sharp teeth when it parted its mouth long enough to flick its snake tongue out. Humour seemed to be less than appreciated and I shrugged. I wasn't going to give this thing, or Wolfram and Hart, the satisfaction of acting afraid. When all three heads swung around to me that suddenly became a little bit harder.

There was just me reflected in the beasts gaze now as it focused on me and I met it with a hard stare. I could see Wesley off to the side, watching with obvious distress – always the white hat, can't let anyone get hurt – and when he made a step to intervene, I raised a hand slightly that stilled him. A long moment passed in mine and the creature's face down and for a moment the middle head flashed teeth in a grin. A split second later and the one off to the right was giving the same silence-piercing scream as the middle had before, and swinging around to strike Wesley square in the chest.

I could hear something snapping, Wesley crying out as he was flung backwards. Straight into a dark hole in the ground that I knew hadn't been there a moment ago.

All attention was back on me then, all three heads hissing low and eying me with interest.

Shit, was I ever regretting speaking now.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

_It was pitch black and he could swear that he heard the shuffling of something - a rat, his mind helpfully supplied but he pushed the thought aside - in the corner. The wall was hard against his back and the ground was cold under him. He was curled on the floor, rhythmically rocking against the wall he was pushed hard against. His bare feet were tucked in close, toes curled to stop the thing in the corner from getting them. He was whimpering under his breath. _

It took him a good ten minutes, panic licking the edges of his mind and heart hammering loudly in his ears, before he realized that this couldn't be happening, he wasn't some little boy to just be locked up in the cupboard.

He was still shaking when he pushed himself to his feet. His hand still trembled as he reached for the handle, knowing but not believing that even if it was locked he could easily break it open. He just barely brushed his hand over the metal when the knob turned and he leapt back in the fear he didn't want to admit to. He should be over this, not pressing himself against the furthest wall as the door opened.

He knew what would be there before the door swung fully open. Father, looming and unimpressed, cane in hand to punish him over whatever slight he'd managed to make this time.

His father morphed into a three-headed beast and he screamed.

* * *

"What are they doing to him?"

Wesley was strapped down and writhing against the bonds. A scream tore from him, his voice hoarse enough to tell me that it wasn't the first. I turned to Lilah who was standing next to me.

She gave a light shrug. "He's doing it to himself, it's what's in his mind."

Bullshit. "Right."

"Bothers you, does it?"

It was my turn to shrug. I didn't care for any of Angel's lackeys but it was disturbing to see anyone like this.

After Wesley had fallen into nothing, the beast had done no more than give a smirk. And then Lilah was back, gazing at the spot where Wes had fallen through before giving me a withering gaze.

"Should have known you'd give in first."

I bristled at her words, following her movements as she walked around me. Shark circling prey. "What the hell are you talking about? Haven't given in to anything."

"Not yet."

"What kind of game is this, Lilah?'

"We're far past playing games here. Do you really need me to spell it out for you?" When I didn't answer immediately she sighed and rolled her eyes, stepping away from me. "Let's go for a little walk."

It wasn't a request and I fell into step behind her, entertaining myself with some nice visuals of chopping of her head from behind and really wished I'd kept a hold of my sword.

Now I found myself standing in a long, narrow, pitch-black room. If Lilah hadn't pointed him out, I'd never have noticed Wesley on the opposite end, but I could just make out his outline now. I could definitely hear the ragged breaths and choked off cries.

Lilah still hadn't given me a straight answer and I turned to where I could vaguely see her standing. I may not have been able to see the expression on her face but I could imagine it well enough. So I was surprised to hear a note of concern.

"They'll use his own fears to turn him against Angel. They can torture him endlessly. No one stands up long under something like this."

I turned back to peer through the darkness, trying to pick out Wesley's form again. "So why aren't I where he is?"

Now the smug tone that matched my imagined version of the expression on her face, came through. "Take out the strongest first. Easier to deal with the rest after."

"You think he's the strongest?" The indignation in my voice was clear and I even pointed a hand in Wesley's direction. Stuck up British klutzes were stronger than me? If they thought I was going to break so easily they were damn well going to be disappointed.

I could picture the bitch next to me quirking her eyebrow. "I guess we're going to find out."

"Fuck this." No way I was standing around in the dark and taking any of this. I'd avoided the Senior Partners for years. No reason I couldn't escape from them as well.

My fist struck out and luck more than anything had me connecting hard with the side of Lilah's head. Lilah hit the ground and I waited a moment for her to stir. Nothing. Good to know that evil, undead bitch-lawyers could still be taken out.

I'd paid close attention to every turn on the way here. I knew exactly how to get out and had one foot set in that direction before another wretched cry from Wesley stopped me. It would be easier to get out of here on my own. But I couldn't leave him to the horrors I knew first hand that the Senior Partners could inflict on someone.

Groaning to myself, I turned and ran for the opposite side of the room, nearly coming up against the table before I stopped myself. My hands ran over Wesley to search out the bindings, fingers finding and pulling clasps free.

The moment I touched him Wesley started franticly struggling, lashing out wildly as soon as the binds were pulled loose. I grabbed his shoulders to pin him down again. He was stronger than he looked.

"Wesley! Stop it," I ground out, teeth gritted with the effort it took to hold him.

He gave a shuddering jerk before snapping his eyes open.

"You with me now, Wes?"

He didn't seem to be. Nothing answered me but he didn't struggle anymore either. I released my hold on him and looped one of his arms around my shoulders so I could haul him up and off the table. He swayed as his feet hit the ground but stayed standing.

"...Lindsey...What..."

"We're getting the hell out of here," I broke in on his labored words.

I was already moving, hauling Wesley along. His feet were dragging in their effort to keep up with mine but I couldn't afford to slow down. I found myself wishing again for a weapon as I drug Wesley down the corridors, pausing to remember which way before taking off again.

When everything seemed quiet, I stopped and pulled Wesley off to the side. He nearly stumbled over his feet at our sudden change in course. I could see his confused expression in the dim light.

"What are you doing? Lindsey, where are we?" By his frustrated tone, Wesley had asked the question before. I'd been so busy listening for anything else that I'd ignored him.

I ignored him again now, pushing him up against the wall to lean him against it. He sagged there heavily and I dropped to my knees by him, pushing his jacket to the side and hiking his shirt up. He hissed as the material peeled away from the deeply gaping wound in his side. I'd figured as much, there was still an ache in my own chest, dull as the pain was pushed away to focus on other things.

Like getting us the hell out of here. I looked up at Wesley, his eyes closed and he was breathing carefully.

"You got a weapon on you?"

It was a moment before he answered and then it was just a nod. Leaving the wound which I couldn't do anything about, I trailed my hands over his clothes until my fingers met with a hilt of a gun. I pulled it out and found the clip full. Better than anything I'd hoped for.  
Getting back to my feet, I clicked the safety off and turned to Wesley with a raised eyebrow, looking him over critically. His eyes were closed still but he did seem like was standing a little easier.

"Are you gonna be able to make it far?" I'd drag him if I had to but it would slow us down and if we ran into someone there might not be a chance to fight back before I could drop him.

He cracked his eyes open and I saw that same determined look he'd given when he'd refused to betray Angel. He pushed away from the wall, swayed and took a step forward. "Let's go."

* * *

Wesley kept stumbling but I managed to catch him before he could fall if he couldn't catch himself. The gun, I kept clutched tightly in my hand, ready to fire at the first thing that moved.

This was going too easily. The Senior Partners had to know what we were doing. Lilah would have woken by now and alerted them. Or just come to find us herself. I was tensed like a bowstring waiting for something to attack us, or for Lilah to walk up behind us and say 'boo'.

Nothing happened. I followed the path I remembered and there was no sign of anything. The Senior Partners had to be busy with more important things than a couple of dead, errant employees.

I wanted to run, get out before they did find us. I kept hanging back for Wesley though. He may not have complained but I could tell his steps were deliberate, trying to keep himself from falling and his arm was clutched tightly around his side.

I was so busy watching him and watching for danger that I didn't realize we'd made it back so quickly until I stumbled to a halt in the red earth cavern we had started out in.

"Well done, Lindsey, we're back where we started with no way of knowing how we got in here in the first place." The sarcasm was thick in his voice as he stopped next to me but I could hear the shake in it as well.

I didn't bother with an answer. He could stand there and bitch, I was looking for a way out, hands feeling along the walls. There was always some hidden entrance or trap door or something. _Always_.

I yelped slightly when my hand ran up against a sharp point and heard Wesley jerking to attention somewhere behind me.

"What is it?"

I shook my hand out, blood splattering from where I'd sliced the palm and glanced back to him. "Cut my hand. There's something here."

Ignoring the sting in my hand, I felt up against the wall again, carefully searching for what I'd run up against. Something metal behind the thin wall of earth. It was smooth except where a seam ran along it vertically, sharp points here where the metal had warped. It took a moment to realize I was standing in front of a door. Another moment's searching and knocking away dirt showed there to be no handle. The hinges opened the door inwards and I pushed. It barely moved.

"It's a door. Come and help me push it open." I was already throwing my weight against it again, feeling it creak open under the force.

Wesley's footsteps were approaching warily. "This isn't a good idea. You don't know where it goes. In a place like this, it won't lead anywhere good," he warned me.

"Maybe not. But it might lead us out of here. You helpin'?" I stopped to look at him briefly. He still looked like he was ready to collapse on his feet and I wondered what help he would be anyway. But he nodded and stepped up to my side, his hands braced against the door.

"Alright."

I gave a nod and braced against the door as well, looking across at him to make sure he wasn't about to faint. When he just looked grimly back at me I tensed to push. "Ready... Go."

The door shifted under our combined weight, Wesley moaning with his effort. I couldn't let up though.

"Wes! Come on!" I yelled at him, throwing all my strength into it. The metal groaned before suddenly giving and swinging open.

I fell forward with the door, down the steep staircase that had been behind it and fetched up hard against the cement floor at the bottom. I might have blacked out for a moment and when I came around, I could feel the sticky slide of blood along the side of my face and tasted it in my mouth where I'd bitten my lip.

Unhurried steps echoed down the stairs and I drug myself up, watching as the room spun and grayed before I could focus on Wesley. His face was hard and his gaze didn't stray from my own.

"I did try to warn you," he said solemnly when he had stepped up before me and come to a stop.

Breathing heavily, I spat a mouthful of blood before I could form a sentence to answer him. "The hell's going on?"

"I tried to warn you," he repeated deliberately. "You shouldn't go through doors in a place like this when you don't know what's on the other side. Did you really think that you could escape so easily?"

"What?" I was getting pissed. Maybe I was getting scared. I didn't take my eyes off Wesley and the eerie way he took another step toward me, that brought us nearly to nose to nose. He raised his hands to my chest as if to shove me away and I didn't hesitate in raising my own fist. I heard bone crack when it collided with his face.

He didn't flinch and I still felt myself being shoved backwards with more strength than I knew he had. My back hit the floor and I skidded. And now I looked around me. My breath came in a panicked gasp when I saw the table, the torture devices strewn over the walls. My eyes sought out Wesley's who was still standing where he had been, blood now running from his broken nose but he seemed not to notice.

"And taking me along with you," he continued as if nothing had happened since he'd spoken. "That's rather sweet. You'd have had a better chance of getting out alone. But you wanted to play the hero. To what? Prove yourself to Angel?"

"What the hell is this?" I struggled back to my feet, hand bracing myself against the table I'd fallen next to and I tried not to shudder.

Wesley just smiled and in the time it took me to blink he was back in front of me, inches away. I recoiled and his hand fisted in my shirt to keep me there.

"You're not a hero. Even when you try you fail pathetically because you're too weak. Look at you. You're shaking. Afraid of a basement, Lindsey?"

"Get off of me." My voice was hoarse and I tried to shove him away but he only laughed at the attempt. I was afraid. And I was shaking. I am weak.

Wesley growled, his hand fisting in my hair as he jerked my head back. Exposing my neck and when I craned to look it was Angel. Yellow eyes and fangs.

"You're not strong enough, Lindsey. That's why you chose to be the bad guy. It's easier to destroy the world once than try to save it a million times. Too bad you suck as a bad guy as well."

His fangs descended on my neck and pain burned through my veins.

* * *

I woke screaming, strapped down to the table that I remembered too well, looking up into the face of a demon that haunted me. Blood covered my chest. I moaned and tried to strain up against the bonds that held me. A fine boned finger complete with perfectly manicured nail rain down the center of my chest and though I tried, I couldn't flinch away from it.

"That really was too much fun."

I turned my head to Lilah's amused voice. She was standing next to the table and looking over Wolfram and Hart's handy work.

"...What...is..." I tried to speak but the strap over my chest cut in too tightly, I couldn't even move my chest enough to breath.  
Lilah's finger came to rest over my lips and quiet me. "Shh. It will all be over soon."

...As soon as I gave in. I didn't need her to finish.

I jerked my head away from her hand and glared at her. If they thought I would break just from a little mind game, then they were in for a surprise.

She smiled at my defiance and turned to walk away. "I'll let you boys get on with the fun."

My eyes snapped back to the demon just in time to watch him slam the knife into my chest.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

So how long can someone stand up under infinite torture? It's simple, you can't. Not when you can die in screaming agony just to have yourself brought back so that you can start all over again. There's no relief in your dying thoughts that it's all over. That's gone after the first couple of times when you realize that it isn't over. You're already dead anyway and the pain doesn't stop there.

It would be so easy for me to stop it. All I had to do was go back to being the good Wolfram and Hart employee and betray Angel. Two things I've done before and really didn't dislike doing. It would be so easy.

But I refused to be that weak. If I joined back with Wolfram and Hart it would be under my own terms and conditions. Not because they forced me into submission.

The demon got around to everything. Broke everything I had. I don't know how long I was there for before I couldn't do it anymore. When I shouted out 'Don't!', when the tears ran over and I begged 'please', I didn't even realize what I was doing.

Until Lilah was at my side again and the demon had disappeared. I took a shuddering breath as the bonds were loosened over my chest but I didn't try to move when my arms or legs came free as well. I just closed my eyes in relief that it was over.

Lilah's hands under my shoulders lifted me to sitting after a moment and I automatically threw my legs over the side of the table. Unlike my last time in this basement, I could still feel the aches and pains of the demons actions. The gaping wounds were closed but I felt them. The broken bones healed, but I still cringed at where I knew they'd broken through skin.

My head hung for a moment before Lilah's palm cupped my cheek and turned me to look at her. I opened my eyes and tried to focus, finding that it hurt just to do so.

"You lasted longer than I thought." I thought I heard compassion in her voice but figured I was probably delusional. I didn't bother to answer her and she sighed when she realized I wasn't going to. "Can you walk?"

I nodded. Not doing so might mean her leaving me here to let the demon continue. It still took me a moment before I could get up the energy to slide off the table and my knees nearly buckled the second my feet hit the floor. Lilah's arm around my waist helped hold me though, and I managed to stumble along with her out of the basement. I didn't care to question where the stairs had gone.

* * *

When I woke up this time, I found myself stretched out on possibly the most comfortable bed I'd ever imagined. I didn't dare to move, sure that the moment I did the torture would make itself known again. It felt like hours before I chanced cracking my eyes open, relieved when I wasn't immediately hit with a massive headache.

Peering around, I saw the room I was in was plain. The only outstanding thing in it was the bed that I was laid on. It looked too much like one of the dorm rooms at college, nothing in it but the utter basics: the bed, a bare desk in one corner, and another door that presumably lead to the bathroom. The door that led out had a keypad on it.

Locked in.

I felt my chest tighten in apprehension and was surprised not to feel the sting of the bullets along with it. Running my hand along my chest, I couldn't find the entry wounds. All the pain seemed to be gone and I hesitantly pushed myself to sitting, eyes still scanning over the room for whatever surprise might be there. Surprise was exactly what I got when my gaze settled on the curled form of Wesley in one of the corners.

At least, I thought it was Wesley. After last time, I was hardly going to take any chances. Swinging my legs over the edge of the bed, I didn't take my gaze off of him as I got to my feet. He didn't stir as I warily approached him, taking a brief second to glance at the door and make sure nothing was about to walk through it.

"...Wesley?" I tried cautiously.

Still no response, man wasn't even shaking, just still as stone. I knelt next to him and had no clue what to do, watching him helplessly. He hadn't looked too sane when he'd went in here, if he'd undergone anything like what I had... Maybe there wasn't anything left in him at all.

I closed my eyes as I felt the knife digging in again, suppressed a shudder when my mind gave a perfect picture of the demon. My hand lifted to my chest where I couldn't feel my heart beating. Maybe it wasn't there at all anymore. My fingers curled into the fabric of my shirt and I could feel the panic mounting however hard I tried to push it back.  
A hand falling onto my shoulder had me giving a startled cry and jerking back, lashing out to knock the arm away.

"Lindsey," Wesley's stern voice reached me. "You need to calm down."

I needed to calm down? I was meant to be calming Wesley. When the hell had the roles reversed?

His hand reached for me again but I saw it and batted it away, lifting my gaze to glare at him. "I'm fine."

Wesley was still crouched down, though he'd moved from the corner to follow me when I'd pulled away. He was looking at me skeptically but didn't say anything. He looked as haunted as I felt. Strained with deep black rings beneath his eyes. I wondered if I looked that bad and hoped there wasn't a mirror so I could find out. I was sure I probably did. Especially with the way Wesley was looking at me and I turned away from the worry, getting back to my feet.

I moved over to the door, running my fingers over the keypad and tried punching in some random combination of letters. It didn't work, which I knew it wouldn't, but I still felt the urge to slam my fist into the thing. I looked over to Wesley to see he had gotten to his feet but hadn't moved much further than that. The wound in his side appeared to be healed as mine had been but he still didn't look too steady on his feet. He was watching me and I turned to face him.

"You know how long we've been in here for?" If I focused on the basics, then maybe I could ignore what was in my mind.

He blinked slowly at me before shaking his head and looking around the place. "No. You've been asleep for some time though. I tried to wake you."

"Torture takes time to recover from," I muttered as I walked past him.

The rest of the room was as I'd figured. The other door led to a small bath. I couldn't spot anything useful that would allow us to escape.

Wesley was just standing back and watching me, not speaking for some moments. "I've already been over everything."

When I didn't stop looking, he moved over and sat on the edge of the bed. But maybe he'd missed something that I could catch. Surely there had to be a vent or something... Until I realized that we didn't need to breath so there didn't need to be a way to get air in. The room could easily be completely sealed off and a thorough search later showed that the only seams were the ones around the doors.

Admitting defeat for now, I sighed and went to sit by Wesley on the edge of the bed. He looked across at me but didn't say anything and we sat in miserable silence for too long. It was Wesley that finally broke it, the tinge of urgency in his voice saying that he had thought about it for some time.

"We can't give in to them."

I looked across to him in some surprise. "Not giving into anybody." Nobody was pushing me around and especially not these bastards.

Wesley looked only slightly mollified by my words. "What they've done so far is only a beginning. Do you think they can't make it worse? You begged at the end didn't you?"

"So did you." There wasn't any point in denying what he'd said. But I wasn't going to break. I had to be better than that.

Wesley had stood again, pacing a trail back and forth through the small room. I watched him skeptically but didn't disturb his obvious thought. Wesley had been the brains of Angel's little ragtag outfit back then, right? Sure as hell couldn't have been Angel. I was hoping he'd come up with something.

Something a little bit better than beating the crap out of whatever was about to step through the door and running. I shot to my feet and we both turned as the heavy door began to slide open into a panel in the wall.

Lilah again. Beating her face in actually sounded like a perfect idea but I wasn't alone when I took a step back away from her.

"Don't look so scared, boys. I'm not here to hurt you." She stepped into the room, designer heals clacking against the hard floor as she went over to the desk and set a standard manila file on it. "Here to offer you a job."

Next to me, Wesley snorted. "Are we playing this game again, Lilah? You'll recall it didn't exactly end well the first time."

She smiled at him and again, I was sure I saw regret in it. "Sorry, lover. Whole new game this time."

"I won't betray Angel."

"You said. And you said you would." She turned her cat's eye stare at me.

"Not if it means answering to you," I sneered at her. I took a step forward, ready to try the whole knocking her head off that I'd been imagining but Wes' arm across my chest stopped me. I looked to him in incomprehension.

"It isn't worth it," he said quietly. After a brief silent stare down between the two of us, I gave in, shifting slightly back. I'd get her later.

Lilah was giving Wesley that fond smile again. "Smart boy. Don't make any decisions yet. Look it over, see what you think. Give yourselves some time to think about the consequences of saying no," she finished far too sweetly, already turning on her heel to walk back out the door.

We watched silently as the door slid heavily shut behind her.

* * *

Wesley tossed the folder back onto the desk and brought his hands up to run tiredly over his face. He muttered something into them bitterly and I paced back over to him from where I'd been putting different codes into the keypad and trying valiantly not to punch the damn thing.

"You wanna repeat that?"

He looked up at me with a glare. "I said this is impossible." I frowned and he picked up the folder to hand it to me. "Read it."

Still frowning, I took the folder and went with it to the bed, sitting down and flicking it open. The short of it... They wanted us to off some employees – demons – that were getting in the way. That had become expendable. I looked back up to Wesley to find him watching me, waiting for my reaction.

"They want us to be assassins."

"I think they just want to see how far we broke. These are essentially evil demons we'll be killing, nothing that hasn't been done before. They just want to see if we'll do what they say. But we can't give them any quarter. It's only a first step towards turning us against Angel." I raised an eyebrow at him and he conceded. "Or against ourselves."

I tossed the folder away from me on the bed. "Don't worry. I don't plan on giving them anything." Strong as my words sounded, I wasn't really too sure about that. It didn't seem like long enough ago that I'd been begging them to stop. And I still couldn't feel my heart. I didn't realize I'd moved my hand over my chest again until I caught Wesley giving me a worried look. "Who's to say that Angel's even still alive?" I asked quickly to take away the concern being aimed at me. Concern that I really didn't need and not from one of Angel's people.

The concern instantly turned hard. But I could read people pretty well and I saw the flicker of doubt before he could hide it. "Then I won't betray what he stood for."

Which answered Wolfram and Hart's question pretty damn well on just how not defeated we were.

I don't remember what happened between that and coming around again to find the demon looming over me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

I hit the ground hard and stayed down as I heard a door slide closed, then a beep that said the lock had been activated. I hurt; every muscle seemed to scream with the pain. My heart should have been pounding in my ears but there was just silence. A room full of silence.

My cry broke it. My hand was clawing at my chest and I barely noticed as I managed to rip the shirt away and score red marks across my skin.

"Lindsey!" Wesley's shout broke through my panic and his hands were suddenly there and wrapping around my wrists. Trying to force me to stop. I struggled, trying to push him away but my arms felt too weak, my pushes against him ineffectual. Weak as a kitten.

"Get off," I ground out lowly and when Wesley didn't listen I tried again to push at him. "Get off!"

"Stop it." Wesley's teeth gritted as he held me, his grip tight enough now that bruises would be left. It hurt, like being bound again for the demon. I couldn't stop struggling.

Until Wesley let go of one wrist for long enough to crack me across the face with the back of his fist. I fell back from him. Stunned and still as I stared at him. I stayed that way when he got to his feet, still keeping hold of my other wrist to drag me up with him. He was eyeing me critically. Probably waiting for me to freak out again.

I could feel myself sway slightly, a rush of nausea and the ache through my body. I closed my eyes and the next thing found myself sitting on the edge of the bed, Wesley's arm on my shoulder to keep me upright. I snorted in ill-humored amusement when I looked over at him to see that he was again studying me. Probably waiting for me to pass out. I felt like I was damn near close to it.

"You seem fine. Think you're next?"

He looked away then, just what I'd wanted but I felt a touch of concern as he grimaced slightly. I noticed how rigid he was sitting. "No. I believe we're both done for the day. You seem to have gotten the worst of it though."

His tone held a question, which I ignored. It was bad enough to experience this, I didn't need to talk about it.

Wesley waited a beat before continuing, voice more abrupt. "You should lie down before you pass out."

"I'm fine," I gritted back.

He raised an eyebrow and his voice was deadpan. "Yes, I can see." Hands were at my shoulders pushing me back before I could react. The world spun and I found myself laying on the bed that seemed just as comfortable as the last time I was on it. I looked up at Wesley with a glare but didn't move. It was nice and I was tired.

"Stay there. I'll stay awake," he reassured as he moved away from the bed, going over to settle into the desk chair instead.

I made a token mumbling protest but already my eyes had closed. For about two seconds before I was jerking them back open with a gasp at the echoing silence and staring about the place for signs of the basement. I caught sight of Wesley who was watching me with a frown.

"Maybe sleep isn't a good idea."

"I couldn't manage it either."

"This is bullshit." I pushed myself back up, only to cringe in defeat and sit half up, propped on my elbows. "Can't just sit around in here doing nothing. May as well be admitting defeat now. Bow down to them and say 'Yes, sir'."

"What would you suggest we do then?"

Which was a question neither of us had been able to come up with an answer to yet. We'd been over the room god knew how many times. Not even a crack in the armor to be found. Just a lot of hopeless nothing.

"Fight back. First person that comes through that door." Maybe it would be Lilah.

"And then what? Run through the place hoping to stumble on the exit?" Wesley scoffed at me.

"Better than sitting here. Least this way we could get a few licks in." Okay, so it was a bad idea. It was still nice to think about. We'd come out worse in the end though and the prospect of another session in the basement had me giving a shudder. I caught a similar one going through Wes and I wondered how I hadn't noticed before that he was carefully not letting his back hit the back of the chair.

Wesley actually gave a slight smile. Guess I wasn't the only one entertaining revenge fantasies. But fantasies were just that and they wouldn't do a thing to help us out now. Hated to admit it but Wesley was right. We were stuck here until some opportunity presented itself. Or until they decided we were useless and threw us into some pit.

"It's best if we sit tight. Wait for rescue to come or-"

I laughed, cutting him off with raised eyebrows at his idiocy. "Rescue? You think someone is gonna come rescue us? Your hero Angel?" His eyes were narrowed now. The ill-humored grin faded and I snorted. "Ain't no one coming for us. They think we're dead. They've got no reason to."

Wesley deflated with the truth of my words. No one knew what was going on down here. No one knew that one of their own needed rescue. We were in this alone. For better or worse and all that crap. But as Wesley deflated, sagged against his chair only to hiss and pull away at the real or imagined pain, I kinda wished I hadn't just taken his hope away.

I shrugged a little as Wesley stared at the ground. "But these are the golden heroes. Angel's all...man of the hour. Knowing them and their creepy way, they'll probably sense something wrong and come spring you."

Now Wesley was looking at me in amusement, eyebrow raised and I stopped a little disconcerted.

"Are you trying to give me a pep talk, Lindsey?"

"Yeah, well... Don't get used to it," I groused. Wesley was still smiling at me like he thought I just did the sweetest damn thing ever. "Just don't want you brooding around the place."

"I'll try to keep it to a minimum then for your benefit."

Rolling my eyes, I lowered myself back onto the bed. I wouldn't be able to sleep, but that didn't mean I couldn't try and relax the stiff muscles. When I glanced over at Wesley again I could see him staring at nothing, lost in thought. And still trying not to let his back touch the chair. I sighed.

"Bed's big enough for two." He looked at me in surprise. "What not good enough for you? I gotta rest up, get all strong, but your skinny ass is fine?"

He was about to retort but seemed to abandon the idea, huffing out a breath and looking annoyed. Still, he got to his feet and even as he took the two steps across to the bed, I could see he was favoring his back. I shifted over. The bed wasn't huge but it would do.

He lowered himself down gingerly, trying to seem casual about it but I'm sure both of us must have seemed glaringly obvious to the other in our attempts to hide any pain. Not to mention that it was pointless as hell.

"You gonna be able to sleep? Need me to stand guard over you?" My tone was as patronizing as it could be.

He'd closed his eyes as he lay on his side but cracked one open now. "Shut up, Lindsey."

Least Wes was proving to be a vaguely entertaining cellmate.

* * *

The room was silent when Wesley fell asleep. They must have soundproofed it because nothing from outside was getting in. If there even was noise outside. There wasn't even the noise of another's breathing in the room; Wesley had stopped as he dropped off. Wolfram and Hart were doing pretty good at finding new ways to torture. And with such a stupid thing.

My shirt was still hanging open as I'd ripped most of the buttons loose and I ran my fingers over the slightly raised welts my nails had caused. Fuck. I jerked my hand away. I didn't need a reminder that the Senior Partners were clearly succeeding in driving me out of my mind.  
Driving me mad, maybe. But they weren't breaking me. Never.

Wesley's hand closed over my wrist and stopped me from rubbing fingers too hard against my chest. I jumped, more at what I'd been doing than his unexpected touch. I turned my head to the side to find him watching me.

"Don't."

"What the hell ar-" I moved to pull my wrist away but his hand held fast.

"I thought I'd told you to shut up before." His tone was soft and I bristled, moving across the bed to get away from him. Maybe I wasn't the one that was going mad. He reached out with his other hand and tapped two fingers against my chest. Over where my heart should be. Three thumps and I stilled. He was still watching me. "What did they do to you?"

"You show me yours..." I tried again to pull away from him and this time he let his fingers slip from around my wrist. I stopped with my back pressed against the wall that the bed was shoved up against but he didn't try anything more. His eyes were still studying over me though; they lingered over the marks the bullets had left.

"What sort of demon carries a gun..."

I looked at him accusingly. The hell game was he playing. "...What?"

He was looking at me with...pity. I sneered and pushed myself violently from the bed. "I'll kill him. He isn't already dust when I get out of here then I'll fucking kill him." It would almost be worth it to do what Wolfram and Hart said just so that I could get the chance.

"Lindsey." He was warning me again, ready to stick up for his precious fucking Angel. His Champion.

"Great champion. Who stabs his fucking teammates in the back in the middle of a fight. He couldn't even-" He couldn't even finish it himself. I rounded back on Wesley who had sat up on the edge of the bed and was watching me warily. "I'll kill him."

The door slid open behind me with its heavy groan and I spun. Behind me, Wesley leapt to his feet.

"That is just what we wanted to hear." Lilah again. Our official chauffeur for this little trip through hell. She held a hand out to me in a gesture to come.

"...Lindsey," I caught Wesley's panicked hiss as I hesitated only a moment before stepping to her.

I didn't bother with him. I strode up to Lilah, lifted a hand and backhanded her as hard as I could. Not as much power as I had with the tattoos but still enough to send her backwards. Wesley cried out for me to stop. It didn't matter though if this was pointless, it made me feel a hell of a lot better.

Freedom seemed just beyond the door. I got another step before the lights plunged us into darkness and Wesley's next cry was pained. I heard him hit the ground and the cycle was started all over again.

* * *

"There's a monster in the basement."

Wesley stirred next to me, and I could feel the shifting weight in the pitch dark that was our room now. I didn't know how long the torture had lasted this time. I'd been lying on the bed for sometime now, staring into the darkness and knowing that Wesley was awake next to me. He hadn't moved but we were close enough that I could feel his tension. The words felt bitter but I couldn't take the resounding silence any longer.

I could sense Wesley's eyes on me but kept looking up straight, laid on my back. "...A monster?" His voice was as softly quiet as mine.

"A demon. And everyday he cuts my heart out until there's a pile by the table. Now it's just empty silence."

Wesley was silent for a moment before he shifted again and I could feel him closer to my side now. He wouldn't lie on his back, and his chest brushed against my arm. I didn't move as he laid his hand over my chest though it was on my tongue to ask what he was doing, the touch didn't feel unwelcome. Two fingers thumped over where my heart should be. Like he already had earlier, only this time he didn't stop at three. I turned my head to look at him.

"But you already knew that."

I'm sure I could hear the smile in his tone. "Angel told me what happened when you were in Wolfram and Hart's holding dimension."

His fingers didn't stop. Thump thump, in mockery of a heartbeat. An embarrassingly soothing gesture and though I knew I should, I didn't push his hand away. It didn't surprise me that Angel would have told all of his groupies.

"I'm still going to kill him," I replied conversationally.

We lapsed into silence and I focused on the beat of his fingers. It made the quiet a little more bearable and I didn't feel the intense need to say anything just to break it. Which was a relief because who knows what I would have decided to share next. But it didn't matter because Wesley spoke before I could get to that point again.

"The dark."

I frowned. "You're afraid of the dark?" I should be ridiculing him, it sounded so stupid. About as stupid as me being afraid of the quiet. I felt sympathy instead.

"Since I was little. And small spaces."

Both of which we were in. Dark and silent and small. The Senior Partners knew what to do. But they'd left us together and that lent us strength. From Wesley's constant beat of fingers against my chest and my simple being there to remind Wesley that the dark wasn't everything.  
There wasn't much point in holding up walls for each other when Wolfram and Hart kept stripping them down.

Wesley's hand stopped and I felt a ripple of panic go through me. Wesley must have felt it as well because he tapped me twice more.

"Relax. Turn over."

There wasn't much point in refusing and I quashed the urge to do so. I turned as he nudged my shoulder, shifting onto my side. He pressed up behind me and I tensed momentarily, feeling his chest against my back. But then he breathed, purposefully in and out, deep and calming. His arm snaked around my waist and under my arm, his hand reaching for my chest. His fingers thumped against my chest, a heartbeat in time to our breathing.

I couldn't help a smirk. "Not trying to take advantage of me, Wes?"

I felt the slightest laugh through his chest. "I think your virtue is safe with me."

I smiled. Wesley's breath ruffled against my hair.

* * *

When I woke, it was still dark in the room, no way to tell how much time might have gone by but I felt rested. Stronger. Wesley's chest was still against my back and I could still feel his breathing where mine had stopped. His finger still beat its rhythm. He must have woken up first if he'd slept at all.

"How's your back?" My voice cut through the quiet.

Wesley's fingers paused for only a moment. "It's fine."

"You been up thinking of a way to spring us the hell outta here?"

"I haven't come up with anything good yet." It seemed like he would be smiling. I'm sure I felt him press closer for a moment.

"You'll let me know when you do." Despite everything, this felt calm. Like waking up in the morning, snug as can be and the smell of coffee to give it that perfect relaxing scent. "You're hand isn't tired?"

The steady beat paused. "A little." But he still kept it up.

"So this is it? This is what we're going to do now? Get tortured, come back for an interlude of cuddling, go out and get tortured again?"

Now, his hand stopped. I tried not to let the tension be noticed.

With a loud noise in the quiet room the lights flashed on in blinding strength. We both flinched from it. I raised my arm to block the light and Wesley ducked his head against my back. Wesley's arm clenched around me. The door slid open and we both chanced burning our retinas to look.

"Don't tell me you boys have been bonding?" I knew it was Lilah's vastly amused voice even if we couldn't see her past the flash in our vision yet.

Wesley quietly answered my question. "It would seem that way."

* * *

When I was tossed carelessly back into our room – our cell – it was once again pitch dark. It would have been silent as well except for the harsh breaths. Panicked breaths. I felt my way carefully forward until my hand hit the wall and I could make my way along it.

"Wesley?"

My foot nudged against something soft as I slowly stepped closer to the corner. I felt it flinch and with my eyes beginning to adjust to the dark, I could just make out the outline of Wesley. Curled in the corner again and drawing into himself.

I dropped down to a crouch, hand reaching out and coming into contact with Wesley's knee. I gave a squeeze but the tension didn't ease from him at all. He was muttering something and I moved closer to his side to hear.

"I can't see. Anything. Why can't..."

I was flummoxed for a moment. "The lights are out again. I can't see either." At least not much. And Wes' vision was worse than mine.

He didn't answer and I could feel his shaking through the contact with his knee. After a moment of not knowing what the hell I was meant to do, I straightened up a bit and glanced around the room. Trying to peer through the darkness. But nothing seemed to be changed and I don't know why I'd stupidly hoped for there to be some light source now.

"Come on, Wes." I leaned back over him, getting one arm looped around his shoulders so that I could get him to his feet. He balked for only a moment before letting me drag him up. He seemed pretty determined not to support much of his own weight though and I had to throw my other arm across his chest to haul him over to the bed.

I let him down carefully once we got there. He'd ceased his muttering and sat on the edge, unmoving and silent, his head dropped. I knelt before him, trying to catch his gaze, which was impossible when I could barely see, and he couldn't see at all. I waved my hand in front of his face and he didn't react. I wasn't even sure his eyes were open.

"Dammit, Wes, come on. Can't let them get to you like this." He was beginning to make me nervous and when he still failed to reply, I got back to my feet and stalked across to the door. I raised a fist and pounded on it as hard as I could. The metal echoed through the room. "Hey! I know you can hear me. Turn on the lights!"

I expected Wesley to yell at me for being stupid. I didn't expect the lights to come on in their blinding flash. My eyes snapped shut. They didn't know the difference between one extreme to the next. I cracked my eyes open after a few moments and turned back to Wesley. I wished they'd left the lights off. It was turning out to be far more comforting in the dark than what you'd see when they came on.

No wonder Wesley couldn't see anything, even now. His eyes were covered, black cloth wound around his head. He hadn't moved at all when the lights came on. As I approached him, I could see that something was soaking into the material and knew without being told that it would be blood.

I walked back over to him, kneeling again in front of him. He didn't react when my fingers brushed his knee, just to let him know that I was there. When I raised my hands to the cloth tied at the back of his head he reacted though, hands snapping up to capture my wrists and stop my movements.

"Don't." He was pulling back, trying to push my hands away. "Leave it, it's fine."

"Yeah, you look fine. Let me help." I got the ends of the blindfold untied and let him push my hands away. I hissed in a slight breath. Not blood at all that soaked into the cloth but tears. There wasn't a mark on him but his eyes looked back at me, covered with a milky white film and completely blind. "Jesus..." I couldn't help the soft exclamation.

Wesley closed his eyes and turned his head away from me. No tears fell now and he just looked weary.

"Wes... Lie back." I didn't know what I could do for him. But he'd helped me and whether either of us liked it or not, we only had each other to rely on.

I pushed back on his shoulders and he didn't resist, other than to look irritated. He avoided his back as always, shifting onto his side away from me. And it was my turn to press up behind him, arm around his waist and hand pressing over his chest. Neither of us had heartbeats.  
Letting myself worry over keeping him sane was at least stopping the panic from doing more than licking around the edges of my mind.

It took awhile but I felt him relax. Maybe he had fallen asleep or maybe he was just letting himself drift. Either way, he didn't stir and didn't speak. I'd have liked to have fallen asleep myself but couldn't manage it.

Bastards. For everything they'd done. And I would pay them back. Screw getting out. If I got out of this room, I was hunting them down and tearing them apart. Which was the most naive thing I could think but I'd find a way.

I doubted they'd stop at blinding Wesley. I didn't want to sit around and find out what they had in store for me next. And neither of us could wait around for Wesley's fantasy rescue to come bursting through the doors. But I could wrack my brain as much as I wanted. I couldn't think of a way.

It was a few moments before I noticed that Wesley had grown rigid against me. "You 'wake, Wes?"

His voice was rough edged. "What's the worst thing that they could take away from a Watcher?" He turned his head as if to be able to look at me from the corner of his eye but all there was was glazed over white that didn't see a thing.

I sighed. "His vision."

"They'd think that." A smile twitched the corner of his lips that I could see. "The most important thing that they could take from a Watcher is the ability to help people. But they can't. We're going to find a way out of here."

I smiled. "Another inspirational speech, Wes? You're hanging around Angel too much."

Not that I was complaining. Senior Partners were gonna have a hell of a fight on their hands.


	5. Chapter 5

This part is hard R - NC-17 rated. Shhhh. Skip over it if you don't like it, it starts after the second break and ends at the third one.**  
**

**Chapter Five**

The most important thing Wolfram and Hart could take from a Watcher is his vision. The most important thing they could take from a lawyer is his speech.

The next time out, they sliced through my vocal cords so I couldn't scream when the demon went to work. They unknowingly made the silence that haunted me total. Or maybe they knew exactly what they were doing.

Heavy-handed demons shoved me through the door and into the once again black room. I knew they were sneering because the things always were.

"Got a present for you, Watcher," one said just as the door slid shut.

I managed to keep my feet, heard as Wesley bolted to his and the demon's words had the effect it was no doubt hoping for. Wesley couldn't see. And I couldn't speak up to tell him it was me. I heard him shifting carefully – defensively – on his feet.

"...Lindsey?" he asked warily.

I opened my mouth, nothing came out. I let out a huff of air instead. I could make out his outline now, standing with his back against the wall and his head tilted just so. Listening for the new danger in the room. And I couldn't tell him that it was just me.

I took a careful step forward. Wesley was standing stalk still and the silence pressed down on me. Dammit. I didn't know how to make him figure out it was me. I took another step forward. Another brought me within touching range of him and he still hadn't moved.

I shifted my weight and he chose then to strike. His fist struck me in the throat and I dropped like a brick to the ground, choking and still unable to make a noise that would get him to stop. But he could hear my chokes and it told him where I was.

I only just managed to roll out of the way of the kick that headed for my chest. I had to get my hands on him. Senior Partners were probably having a fucking ball watching this though.

Gritting my teeth, I made it back to my feet, stepping quickly away from Wesley. He didn't seem about to attack again yet anyway. Standing back and listening for me. There was nothing to hear for either of us though; both so still that the room may as well have been empty.

This was ridiculous. I waited another beat before springing forward. Launching myself at Wesley and catching him around the waist in a flying tackle. He cried out in surprise, in pain as his back hit the ground and I felt a pang of guilt. But he was struggling already. Thrashing under me like wildcat, he was so damn wiry.

God knows how but I managed to get hold of his wrists and pin them over his head, my body pinning him to the ground. He bucked so hard under me it nearly threw me. I took the moment I had before he would get me off to reach for his chest and tap him there three times.

He immediately stilled but his chest was still heaving in his fear. "Lindsey?"

I nodded and tapped his chest again. He seemed to relax and I released his wrists. I found myself on my back as Wesley heaved himself up and flipped our positions. My head hit the floor and Wesley's knee pressed uncomfortably into my stomach, not quite painful but ready to be. His hands held my wrists pinned now but I didn't bother to struggle. I could have groaned – screamed – from the frustration.

"Why don't you say anything then?"

Yeah. I had a response to that. I stayed relaxed under him, if I didn't struggle, hopefully he wouldn't hit me again. I tugged weakly against his hands and after several moments of tense silence, he released one. I caught his hand in my own before he could pull away fully. He tensed again but I ignored it to bring both our hands to my chest and make Wesley tap against it in steady rhythm.

"Lindsey." I couldn't feel him relax but at least he didn't sound so unsure this time. I let go of his hand, relieved to find that he didn't stop the light tapping, and cupped the back of his head instead, making him nod in answer to his own question. This was the most absurd situation I'd been in.

"You can't speak. What the hell did they do now..." He sounded pissed and I smiled at the sentiment.

To answer his question I moved my hand to trace a finger across his throat in a slash. He seemed to pick up what I meant all too quickly. His voice was resigned, not too mention pained.

"They cut your vocal cords."

I nodded and mouthed yes but he couldn't see either. Another moment's hesitation and he was lifting himself off of me, tugging at the wrist he still held to pull me to my feet. I went. What else could I do? And we lay on the bed again, Wesley's hand taking place on my chest and fingers beating. If it wasn't for such a simple act, I'd have been as insane as the Senior Partners seemed to want by now. I had a feeling it was the same way for Wesley.

Wolfram and Hart had managed to take something from both of us. They were missing something though. The most important thing to take from Wesley would be his ability to help, to be useful. The most important thing to take from me would be power. We kept our free will; we kept what was most important. Because they could never have power over us like that.

* * *

We spent a lot of time together in that room. More time there than anywhere else even if didn't feel like it sometimes. We spent it in silence, which Wesley only sometimes filled with the more cheerful stories he had. I listened, hoping that he knew that I was listening and not falling asleep. Not that it didn't happen a time or two.

But he couldn't see me and I couldn't speak. It didn't leave a lot left open for ways of communication. So as soon as we were in that room we went to each other. Whether Wesley needed to be coached out of the corner, or I needed to be pulled away from trying to punch a hole through the door and yelling pointlessly. We didn't have much else than touch. And it would always end in the same way. With us spooned on the bed, Wes pressed to my back and fingers tapping out their rhythm over my chest.

It was almost relaxing. This routine. The torture seemed like something that happened outside of us. Like a dream. It would end. It was bearable. And we could always come back to this. This whatever that was so incredibly...different. Not something I'd ever had, not something I could ever remember caring to have.

Wesley didn't bother to greet me with words. A soft touch to my arm instead to say 'hello'. A light brush of fingers across my temple to ask if I was okay. Careful when he couldn't see. Intimate when there shouldn't have been a right to be and soothing because of it.

And I could take his wrist and lead him over to the bed. Settle us down for as much rest as we could get.

We lied there awake most of the time, our own thoughts occupying us, the feel of each other allowing us to cope.

There was always something to those touches. Intimate I'd said before and that was it exactly. What Wesley and I had in this room together.

There weren't any lines in the dark, nothing we had to worry about crossing. Hell, there wasn't much of anything that we had to worry about with each other anymore. Everything just came to us, however, whenever it liked.

This situation that we'd found ourselves thrown into. We had each other down here and nothing else. We turned to each other unabashadely for comfort now. Even the baser forms of it.

When Wesley's hand stilled and slipped across my chest, when he brought his lips up to brush against my ear, when he brought his hips forward against me, I shouldn't have been surprised. I'd known it was coming, was only waiting to see which of us would make the first move. I knew Wesley knew as well.

"You're awake?" His lips brushed skin as he spoke and I pressed back against him in answer. His fingers didn't tap my chest now, they stroked. A tantalizingly nice touch, a refreshingly pleasant touch, just like any others we'd shared but with a spark to it that promised more.

Time was never something we were sure we had. It could be what seemed like weeks between the torture or it could be what were only minutes.

When his fingers passed too lightly and too quickly – too accidentally – over a nipple, I hissed in a breath and turned, careful not to dislodge his hand as I did so. I was getting used to having to see in the dark now and could make out his features a little better. His hand was still at my chest, sliding over the skin and pushing aside the fabric of my still ruined shirt. His nails scraped to send a shiver through me.

But we still didn't have time for this slow building towards what we wanted and Wesley understood it as well as he let his hand, the back of his knuckles, brush over the fast growing arousal at the front of my jeans. I moaned silently and Wesley spoke with softly hidden want.

"We might not have time."

Then we'd better hurry. I sought out his lips before capturing them with my own and he yielded instantly to the press of my tongue. It wasn't what a first kiss was supposed to be; it wasn't the slow easy movement I'd have liked for it too be. It was hard and messy, with a brief clash of teeth when Wesley rose to return it. It was caring, though, when nothing else in this place was.

He didn't resist when I pushed him onto his back, lifting his hips easily to the press of my hand between his legs and I could feel how hard he was for this. About as hard as I was with Wesley's hand working distractedly to loosen the fly on my jeans.

I broke the kiss to an irritated noise from Wes which died off the moment I pushed myself up to kneel , dropping my hands to work his jeans undone and stripping them off of him as he lifted his hips again. Shoes and socks went off with them and I batted his hand away so I could get my own shoved down.

I'd shifted further down the bed as I'd stripped Wesley of his jeans. His legs were stretched out, slightly parted and I ran my hands up along the insides. It drew a moan from Wesley when I reached the insides of his thighs and traced one hand up to circle loosely around his dick.

Neither of us was thinking about anything else now. Anything but these touches were shaken from our minds. A catharsis that we would come to need.

My other hand pressed against Wesley's knee, urging them apart but he stilled and the noise that drew from him this time was a whimper that had me stilling. He gasped a little with my hand still closed around his cock.

"Wait. Not... Not on my back. I can't..."

Understanding hit me and I moved my hands to encourage him to turn over and get up onto his knees instead without anything more needing to be said. He caught on to what I wanted quickly, raising himself up on hands and knees. We'd communicated without speech for what seemed like so long, it never took more than a nudge for him to understand me.

His shirt always kept his back hidden from sight or searching touches before but I pushed it up carefully now, ran my fingers over the raised welts that drew a hiss from Wesley. He didn't stop me.

"Time, Lindsey."

I nodded and my fingers slipped away from his back. I knew it was something that we'd never mention again, if only because it was far too easy for Wesley to ignore me now. I folded down to press a brief kiss to the base of his spine before shifting closer behind him, my hands resting lightly now at his hips.

I couldn't take him dry though. Pain couldn't be a part of this because it was too much a part of everything else.

I pressed my hips up against his and he pushed back against me, moaning as my cock was trapped between us. I gave a silent moan of my own, eyes closing for a brief moment and almost forgetting what I'd meant to do.

Careful not to rest against his back, I brought my hand up, running fingers along his jaw and across his lips to press lightly. He got it and sucked in my fingers, his tongue rubbing. I rocked my hips forward and would have quite happily stayed that way if Wesley didn't let my fingers slide from his mouth wetly a moment later.

"Bloody hurry."

His groaned out words were the only push I needed, my spit slick fingers working into him, stretching him for me. Wesley rocked beneath me, words spilling from him and I wasn't sure if he didn't realize or if they were strictly for my benefit.

"God, Lindsey... Now. I need-" he cut off into a gasp when my fingers were gone and I pressed into him.

I'd never felt anything like being in him before. Or maybe it was just this place. I'd been here too long to remember anything good. Been here too long to remember anything but the pain. Either way, where I was now was fucking paradise.

Neither of us lasted long. With me pumping into Wesley, his muscles working around me perfectly to draw a gasp or silent moan. I'd reached a hand around to grip and fist Wesley's cock, slick with pre-come.

It didn't matter which of us came first. I kept thrusting into him until I couldn't stay anymore and slipped out, spent but still wanting more.

I was careful not to fall across his back when he collapsed down to the mattress, rolling onto my side next to him, my hand rested lightly over his back. I could just make out his smile before we drifted off into relaxed sleep.

After that, the pointless desk in the corner with its lone file at least got used a bit more.

* * *

The lights were on. I spun as the door shut behind me on the sneering demons, wanting to lunge at them. I did and fetched up against the solid door instead. Useless. I turned back to face the room and let my gaze scan over it. Everything was exactly the same. The bed, the desk, the door on the opposite side.

Everything was entirely wrong.

Wesley wasn't in it.

The bed was neatly made and untouched. The desk had its lone file sitting on it. Wesley wasn't in the corner.

I tried to hold onto the thought that they just hadn't brought Wesley back yet. But he always got here before me. I half ran forward, searching the bare room like I would find something that I couldn't see when I walked in. When there was nothing, I ran back to the door and pounded on it. Yelled for them to open the fucking thing and bring Wesley back. I would kill them all. No noise but I'm sure they heard the words.

No one came.


	6. Chapter 6

Wow... I can't believe that I never posted this chapter! I'm very sorry to anyone that was waiting for it... Ugh. Well...I'm posting it now and the fic is finished. Has been for quite awhile actually... Enjoy the last very late chapter!

Thanks to everyone that reviewed this fic! Hugs to all of you!

Chapter Six

I never forgot the way Wesley had looked when he'd sworn he'd never betray Angel. I'd never forget the gleam of insanity that was there, that had been there since I'd joined in on this ride and we'd both been alive. The one that had always been at the back of his gaze when we were locked together but that he never let go of.

Because Wesley was strong for his team, for the people around him.

I was strong for myself. For the pride I carried around. For the power I wanted.

I didn't realize how weak that made me until Wesley was gone. I didn't realize that strong was something that didn't happen on your own.

Wesley had held me together. I've no clue if I did the same thing for him but I did pull him out of that corner a lot. Now with him being gone, pulled away and damn if the Senior Partners hadn't planned that perfectly...

There was nothing constant to come back to. The torture didn't end when they threw me back into this room, it just kept going. The silence pressed in and lying on the bed by myself, my own fingers beating out a rhythm against my chest... It didn't work.

I'd gotten used to the dark. It had been nearly comforting. Like spending every night with a lover. The stark light that I was always in now was grating.

Sleep was hard again. I woke up expecting Wesley's tapping but finding nothing. I woke up with nails digging into my chest. So deep that the blood ran over my fingers as my nails scored across the skin. I woke up struggling and begging silently, so glad that my voice couldn't be heard. I woke up cursing them and wished I could be heard.

I woke up crying and knew I was finished.

I had settled into a corner of the room – Wesley's corner – and curled into myself. The silence pressed in on all sides and I remained huddled. I didn't move when the heavy door slide open or when footsteps approached me. There was no point in looking up when someone crouched down before me or a hand rested on my knee.

"Lindsey."

The voice struck me, one I hadn't heard in over a lifetime, and I lifted my head. Slowly, and stared at the man before me.

"Dad." My voice was monotone. This had to be a dream. Or a hallucination. Wolfram and Hart just wanting to fuck with me some more. I looked away and lowered my head back to my arms. The silence drifted back in. Except for a steady beat in the background, the steady sound of breath rising and falling. A breeze rustled through the beech tree leaves and I could hear the cows' bells off in the distance where the herd grazed.

I brought my hand up to rest over my chest, feeling the steady thump of my heart before my eyes darted back up.

He was smiling at me. Twinkle of amusement in his eyes. He got back to his feet, slow and stiff.

"Why don't we go for a walk?"

I nodded, used to not being able to talk even though I had a moment ago. He held out his hand to me and with a hesitation, I took it. I looked around when I was on my feet, realizing I was back on the farm. It looked exactly unlike how I remember it. It looked bright and happy. Not fallen down and decrepit.

"What is this?" My voice sounded harsh and grating to my own ears.

"It's home. Come on." He smiled at me again and I wished he would stop. But I followed as he stepped away, my eyes still taking in the surroundings.

"Where are we going?"

"Down to the creek."

I nodded, the leaves and twigs crunching underfoot as we went along, me trailing behind. I couldn't stop looking around. This was like home should have been. The house I could see looked new; the yard was a rich garden, plants everywhere. Blue skies and a soft breeze.

I could hear the sound of the little creek as we approached it; the rocky bank sloped down gently to it. I stopped beside dad as he looked over the creek and the fields beyond it. He gave me another smile that I looked away from.

We stood in silence for a moment and I closed my eyes to listen to the noises. To the beat and the wind and the water.

"You should have come here sooner. You used to, before you met up with the wrong lot."

"I forgot it."

He raised an eyebrow at me when I looked to him. "Forgot your family?"

"Because you were worth remembering," I answered sarcastically.

"You used to come here," he repeated himself. "Why did you? You never liked it here even when we kept welcoming you."

"I was weak."

"You came here for comfort."

"And I stopped needing it."

"Is it really worth it to sell your soul just to be strong?" He leaned towards me as he asked. His eyes begged for the right answer.

It was a loaded question and I knew it. I still didn't hesitate. "Yes."

Hissing rose up around me, so loud that I clutched my hands over my ears. It was so sudden. It reminded me of the three-headed demon's shriek. The world melted away into red around me. Like fire burning through a sheet of paper.

I jerked my head up from where it rested on my arms and looked wildly around me. My dad was nowhere in sight. I pressed my hand to my chest and it was silent. My fingers curled in to press against the skin and I closed my eyes, resting my head back on my arms. A dream that I didn't care to think about.

Unfortunately, with nothing in these rooms disguised cells, there was nothing to do but think what you didn't want.

Was it worth it to sell my soul – again – just so that I could have the strength I knew that Wolfram and Hart could give me? They could give me what I wanted, the power I needed to never let shit like this happen again. Unless it was them doing it... But if you couldn't beat them, and I think we'd proven that they couldn't be beaten...

Maybe it was time to join them again.

The doors opened and I looked up with no surprise to see Lilah standing there. She held out a sheet. The other hand held a fountain pen. She didn't say a word; there really wasn't any point. We both knew why she was here and we both knew that she would get what she wanted. The Wolfram and Hart, the Senior Partners, would get what they wanted. Just like every time.

We met each other's stares evenly and it was a moment before I got to my feet, having to use the walls for leverage. Still no words from her as I reached out and took the paper. I knew what to do. I took the pen and used the sharp point to prick the back of my hand, gathering the blood that pooled there.

She was watching, waiting for me to get on with it. I stared at the paper, held the tip of the pen there and watched the blood leak out onto the surface. I met her eyes and she was smiling at me.

The smile faded pretty damn quickly when I dropped the pen and shoved the paper back into her hands. I couldn't say what I was thinking but I could show it well enough when I pulled back and punched the bitch in the face. She cried out and went down, glaring up at me from the floor with her hand held over her nose. I was already backing away at the punishment I knew was coming.  
When she stopped scowling and smiled sweetly at me, I felt a wash of fear. I watched her warily as she got to her feet.

"We'd hoped it wouldn't come to this, Lindsey, but you do have a penchant for being remarkably stubborn. "

I watched her with narrowed eyes, thinking there was nothing that they could do to me that they hadn't already. I should have known better than to underestimate.

She snapped her fingers and the door opened again. My demon guards stepped through, smirking and always enjoying themselves. But they weren't what caught my attention. Wesley hung limp between the two demons as they held them up, his feet dragging uselessly across the ground as they brought him before me and let him drop. He fell to his knees and stayed there.

...Wesley. I wanted to call out to him. I staggered forward instead, dropping to my knees before him. I could see how tense he was, how scared. I reached a hand out carefully to brush my fingers over his cheek. He flinched at the contact and darted his eyes up. Always unseeing but I knew that he knew my touch. I'd been afraid he was broken, but I saw the spark of defiance light up in him when he recognized me, the hope that still rested there.

"Lindsey." His voice was a barely there whisper, hoarse and painful sounding.

My hand slipped around to curl around the back of his neck and pull him closer. He came willingly, resting with a sigh against my shoulder. I closed my eyes and breathed in his scent. He looked like he'd been having a tougher time of it than me and I remembered Lilah's words about breaking the strongest first. I wouldn't dispute him being stronger than me now.

"Well..." I could hear Lilah's amusement but didn't bother to look up. "Isn't that a touching sight?" When neither of us responded, she let out a soft laugh. "Enjoy it while it lasts boys."

"...Lindsey." He was begging now, close to my ear. For me to help, to make it stop. He was trembling and I moved to wrap my other arm around him when he was jerked suddenly and roughly from my grip. He cried out in pained fear and crumpled back against the demon's legs that had pulled him away.

Lilah still sounded amused. "Guess it didn't last too long. Let's get this show on the road, hm?"

Her heels clicked as she walked up to Wesley who had shifted back to his knees by then, entire body set with the same defiance he'd had since this all started. Except that now there was fear hidden behind it. She ran a long fingernail up his jaw and he twisted his head to get away from it, only to have her hand fist in his hair and jerk his head back.

He hissed in pain and I lurched to my feet, intent on knocking her away. The moment I took a step forward, one of the demons was there, large hand against my chest pushing me back into the wall with bruising force. I struggled against it as it held me pinned there but I may as well have been going up against a brick wall. It held me all too easily and I watched helplessly as Lilah looked down at Wesley.

The hand that she'd fisted in his hair was released but Wesley didn't change his position, head still tilted up to her. She ran fingers through his hair almost tenderly before stepping back and giving a nod to the demon Wesley was knelt before.

A backhanded blow from the demon sent Wesley sprawling to the ground, the crack of bone breaking echoing loudly in my ears. Not so loud that I couldn't hear Lilah's voice though as she stepped up next to me, leaning close to speak into my ear.

"The Senior Partners hate resorting to such clichéd methods but you really are proving a tough one to crack." I glanced at her from the corner of my eye, stilling my efforts to break loose of the demon for a moment. "Good job."

_Fuck you, Lilah. _

She smirked. "Not on your best day, sweetie. But I'm sure Wesley would love to. And there is a very simple way to end this so that he can." She produced a blood tipped pen and sheet of paper that I eyed with a sneer.

The demon had thrown Wesley up onto the table now, straps that had come from underneath belting him down. He was heaving up against them hard enough for the material to bite into skin. The demon was just standing back and laughing. Lilah was keeping her attention focused on me. As was Wesley, his eyes somehow seeming to know just where I was and clearly pleading me to not give into them.

We could not break for them. But we could bend. And I couldn't stand and watch Wesley go through this. Even if he was strong enough to take it, I wasn't strong enough to watch.

The demon that loomed over Wesley produced a knife that I remembered all too well. Wesley was shaking his head at me as the tip of the knife pressed over his chest. But I couldn't and this broke me faster than anything.

_Stop! Stop it! I'll sign the damn papers just get the hell away from him._

"Stop a moment," Lilah spoke out loud to the demon at my thoughts and it froze, the knife tip still digging into Wesley's chest. A thin strip of blood flowed from the point and my eyes were briefly caught by it.

Better to stare at the blood than into Wesley's white eyes as he spoke my name, laced through with disappointment.

_Sorry, Wes, but I couldn't let them do this._

Lilah held out the pen and contract for me and the demon's hand fell away from my chest. I didn't move.

A sidelong glance from Lilah had the demon over Wesley pressing the knife slowly deeper. A warning to me. I hesitated only a moment to let my gaze flick up to Wesley's face before stepping to Lilah and taking the contract once again.

The pen managed to feel like a led weight in my hand. But my hand was steady as I signed. Initial there and there.

It didn't mean anything. I signed a piece of paper; it wasn't going to turn me into some slathering lackey that begged to do their bidding. But I knew what Wesley would say. This was just one more step to the Senior Partners achieving their final goal. Maybe it was. But I wasn't standing around and watching as they did this to Wesley when there was anything that I could do to stop it. Even if it would only stop it for a moment.

Lilah was smiling at me as I handed the papers back. She gave a gesture to the demons and they both retreated from the room. Wesley was left strapped down but at least the knife was gone. I wanted to go to him, get the binds off and get him up. But Lilah was still there and I glared at her.

_You got what you wanted, now get the fuck out._

She only smiled at me. "I'll be back later."

She turned and left, sealing us both in. I immediately went up to Wesley, undoing his bonds so that I could help him to sit up. A little painfully and slowly.

I wouldn't look at him, knowing that I'd see anger or disappointment there. It would make me want to say that I was sorry. I wasn't sorry for a damn thing. Or, at least not about what I had just done.

I was surprised when he didn't even give me a quiet beratment. He lifted his hand and slid his fingers through my hair. I gave him a questioning look and was surprised again when it was fondness that I saw in him.

"Lie with me. I'm sure we could both do with some proper sleep."

His hand slipped down from my head to loop around my waist and let me help him to the bed. We lied down. Automatically with him pressed along my back, his arm wrapped around me and his fingers… He was my life.

God, I'd missed him.

But I knew, we both did. Signing was just the first step. We gave in, did what they wanted, and we got our reward.

How long could anyone hold up to this?

End.


End file.
